Today has been one of those days. One of those days where you become worn thin
before the evening is even up. I have run
myself ragged this week. Dexter started
school back after the holidays. That
means every morning I am up taking him to school. On top of that classes started back for me as
well. I have also been going to the gym
twice a week for the last few weeks with Dustin. Going to the gym with Dustin in the
afternoons is a hard thing for me to do.
I am normally prepping dinner starting around 4 to have it done when he
gets home from work. When I go to the
gym with him we both leave around 4 to meet at the gym. He leaves from work and I leave from
home. This means that dinner does not get
put on until I arrive back at home close to 6.
It is a sacrifice in routine that I have to make to get my body feeling
better strength wise. On top of all of
that my bible study class started this Wednesday as well. None of these things I am complaining about. I just wanted to give the back story to why I
am feeling more run down than usual. I
did not finish my workout today. I was
drained of all the energy I had before I had completed everything I needed to
do. Sometimes you need to listen to your
body. When it says I can’t do this
anymore you stop. Doing something is
better than nothing. My sweet husband is
so patient and kind. Some days I feel
like I don’t deserve him. I am characteristically
high maintenance for whatever that means.
My moods are determined by my energy.
When I am worn out I tend to lean towards the snappy/emotional
side. I promise I am working on it
daily. I just know how I am. I have been thinking lately about the time
Marie died. How I found out she passed
away. My counselor says that I need to
work through this to hopefully work my way through the grieving process. I have been stuck in it for far too
long. I don’t know if I will ever get
through it. My heart is still
broken. I still hurt so much because she’s
not in my life. I miss her more than I
have ever missed anything in this life.
Her death will always be a tragedy.
Now, back to what I was saying. I
have been working through the things that I remember about the day she
died. I can actually think through some
of this now without feeling like my throat is going to close off from trying
not to cry. I remember being in my
college English class sitting next to a girl that I went to high school
with. Back then I had a pre-paid cell
phone. When I ran out of minutes I could
still text. I received a text message
from my aunt. I can’t even remember what
it said, but I told her I was in class was it important or something to that
degree. She said for me to call her
immediately. I asked to borrow the girl
sitting next to me cell phone. I walked into
the hallway and immediately called my aunt.
I was fully expecting to hear that something bad had happened to my mom
because she was the one I had been expecting to pass since I was very
young. That’s another story in and of itself. I did not hear that at all but what I heard
couldn’t have been right. She was crying
hysterically saying Marie is dead! I
rush back into the classroom grab my books and leave. All the while everyone around me is asking
me if I was okay. I don’t even remember
how fast I was going to get home that day.
All I remember is calling out no no no the whole way home because it
just didn’t seem right or real. I remember
calling Dustin but cannot remember what I said to him. I just know that he left work and came all
the way back to Hokes Bluff for me. Back
then we had not been together all that long.
About a year and a half or so. He
stayed with me I think the first few nights. Not like that means anything
because I was up for 24 plus hours crying off an on. I just remember not being able to stop
crying. I cried that whole night. I cried more than I have every cried in my
life. I was broken beyond repair. The sweet man who held me and let me drench
his shirt in tears is that same man who still does that if I need a shoulder to
cry on today. He loves me beyond what I
could have ever imagine was possible.
God has really blessed me and also shown me what a selfless love truly
looks like. A love like that can only be
a reflection of the love that Christ has for me. That God has for me. This year will be 10 years that my
sister/mother passed away. 10 years that
my heart has had a hole in it. 10 years
of a missing piece. I still miss her
more than ever. I am healing. However, having to explain to your 5 year old
that he has an aunt he will never know is not something I wish I had to
do. Trying to get him to understand is
even harder. He registers what I am
saying but he honestly just does not know who she is. It does go to show that I need to be able to
talk about her and talk about her life and who she was so maybe one day they
can understand that I have another sister.
We had the why don’t you have a dad conversation a while back during the
whole stage in life when they start making connections such as daddy is gigi
and pawpaw’s son and mommy is memaws daughter.
He realized I did not have a dad.
However, when he sees the siblings he doesn’t realize that one is missing. I apologize for the sad post tonight. I hope that I can get a New Year’s post up
sometime in the future. I don’t write
much lately. It probably has something
to do with me having to write so much for my classes or the fact that I am a
stay at home mom who does everything. If
only you could peek into my calendar and to do list. Hardest job I have ever had. I really need to set some new year’s goals. I always set goals, but this year it may just
be to get through the chaos. HA! It is not that bad, but just a sneak peak at
the upcoming chaos. We “may” be selling
our house and moving. I say “may”
because everything will need to time up right in order for us to do so. We’re just praying for God’s will to be done
and if it is time that means it is time. I hope that you all are having a wonderful
evening. I am going to get off of here
and go hang out with my husband a little before bed. A good movie is calling my name. Love you all.
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