October, a month of loss

On Saturday we had a birthday party to celebrate my little boy turning the big 5!!  It was a great party.  I think he and his little friends had a good time.  We are so lucky to have friends and family who want to celebrate our children with us.  This year we decided to throw Carter a Halloween themed birthday party with costumes and everything.  However, I didn't have a lot of Halloween "stuff" to decorate with so I ended up having to go out and buy some things.  That was fine, because in the future I can decorate with it again.  You see, Halloween just isn't my favorite holiday.  I keep saying to everyone around me that it's not my favorite and I don't know why but you don't just advertise death anniversaries to the world.  As the month has went on the days seem to drag by.  As it gets closer to the end of the month my internal unconscious anxiety picks up.  Tonight I was sitting here at the computer working on homework and I kept looking at the date.  Tomorrow is Carter's birthday so I was obviously thinking about that.  At the same moment I could feel that awful feeling you get when you're about to cry.  I was so sad all of a sudden.  It occurred to me that the days are so slow because unconsciously I spend them trying to not think about the loss that has occurred in this month.  Halloween is not my favorite.  I try to be happy and celebrate with the kiddos, but it will forever be the anniversary of my dad's death.  October 28th will forever be the anniversary of my sister's death.  These dates are so sad for my family.  When you loose the ones you love so quickly without much of a warning or without a warning at all it's so hard.  It sticks to your bones and becomes a thorn of grief in your side.  Especially when you don't have answers like we didn't with Marie.  To this day my mom will hardly talk about Marie.  We barely mention her name in hopes that we can just keep it together for a little longer.  I know the heaviness in my heart and she was just my sister.  I don't mourn the loss of a child though.  I don't know how one survives that.  Just when you think the heaviness in your heart has passed it pops back out and says, hey, I am still here.  I hope that one day I can enjoy Halloween again.  I hope that one day the days leading up to their deaths won't haunt me.  I hope that one day I can celebrate their life instead of mourn their loss.  This marks year 15 that dad has been gone.  It will be 11 years since we lost Marie.  Just saying that causes my soul to cry.  It opens a wound that never heals.  We will forever miss them.  We will forever mourn the lost time from lives gone way too soon.  So, this Halloween if you know my momma send her some love.  Let her know you're thinking about her.  Let her know that you still remember.  You remember what she lost.  She lost a husband and a child 4 years apart.  This is also a good reminder to me to remember my friends and family who have lost those they love dearly!  It may be uncomfortable to reach out when the topic is hard, but I can tell you from personal experience that death anniversaries are just "lonely" and sad sometimes.  Also, if you have loved ones today that lost someone please send them a you remember message.  It could be a phone call, text, handwritten card, etc.  It will mean so much to them.